Dirty Water Doin’ Work

There are only a few certainties in this world: Death, taxes, Sofia Vergara’s fake tits, and “Dirty Water” (Shane Shepard and Paul Toland) hitting cups and taking names in beer pong tournaments.

After getting ousted in the finals last week DW wasted no time regaining their crown, defeating “Our Shoes are Better than Yours” (Pavel Braude and Matt Parentella) for the W.  They currently sit atop the AABP: Boston leaderboard at 7-1, with a staggering cup differential of +38.  Week two results below:

Nice work, "Jason"

Last week’s victors, “Stop, It’s a Glandular Problem” were unable to repeat their success, finishing 2-2.  They currently sit at No. 5 with a 5-3 mark, but with a shaky +9 cup differential.  Maybe Chewy Rich should’ve stuck with the Clippers jersey?

As for me, knowing that my previous partner (Janine from www.sumoskinny.com) would be leaving me this week, I partnered up with the cousin of AABP: Boston ringleader Marc Jamieson.  I believe his name was Dan. Or Dave.  Something with a D.  Regardless, he had a laser beam of a shot, and let me tell you it was all sorts of sexy.

Our team, “We May Lose, But We’ll Play” finished 1-3.  There was little celebrating or dismay after each victory and loss, and we exuded an extremely nonchalant attitude, because really, we were just there to chill and have a good time! Let the chips fall where they may, we said.

Did we suck ass and lose to an all-girl team? (which I personally recruited)  Yes.  But every champion has an off day.  Just ask Bill Belichick.

I blame Patrick Chung

Winners: AABP/Males.  Not only did we nearly double the amount of teams from last week, but the upstairs bar at Hennesseys resembled an actual party rather than a sketchy all-male drinking cult.  The P to V evened out, in part because of the whole “girls play free” aspect, and also because word is getting out that AABP isn’t effing around with its tournaments.  People of all genders want in and are welcome.

Losers: My health.  I definitely drank out of someone else’s glass (I could tell because it was warmer than what I previously remember my beer temperature being), but polished it off anyway because it was in my hand and I was thirsty. I now have a brutal head cold and I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me I had mono.

Honorable Mention: The new British bartender with her saucy British accent, and her willingness to include Justin Beiber into the mix of songs for the night.  Don’t hate on the Beibs.  Be a Belieber.

Same time next week.  Stop acting like you don’t want to come.  Relive your college glory days.  Maybe discover a new talent.  Find a female partner and impress her with your stroke.  Whatever your reasoning, stop by Hennessey’s at 9pm this Tuesday (2/22).  Now, for your viewing pleasure, the greatest song about beer pong ever made:

Week 2 – We Want the Ball, And We’re Gonna Score!

So I’m sitting here in some hipster coffee shop with free wifi in Salem, drinking my Nantucket Nectars pressed Apple juice and listening to John Mayer’s classic fucktune “Your Body is a Wonderland,” and I can’t stop thinking about one thing:

When can I redeem myself?

Last week, All American Beer Pong: Boston held week one of its six-week nationwide tournament, and my team finished 1-3.  And since this isn’t the NFC West, we missed the playoffs.

Mediocrity doesn't cut it in beer pong, Hasselbeck

So with Week 2 beginning in just over 24 hours, I’m hoping to get my shot at redemption.  Andy Dufresne, Shawshank style.  It’s like last week I was wrongfully sent to prison, spent most of this week chiseling away at the prison walls with my tiny rock hammer, and tomorrow I’ll spill out of the sewer drain, get on my knees, and raise my hands victoriously as the rain pours down on me.

Re-Rack!!!!!!!!

Or maybe I could just shoot for a .500 record.  Nobody said recovering your pong stroke after two years of desk jobs and drinking on the couch watching “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives” every night would be easy.

So, just to reiterate my previous post:

Date: Tuesday night (2/15)

Time: 9pm

Place: Hennessey’s upstairs bar (25 Union St.)

Price: $5 guys/free for girls.

In case you missed that….

GIRLS PLAY FOR FREE!  Come on out and show us your stroke ladies (Possible sexual innuendo?  Debatable).  Either way, let’s fill up the bar tomorrow.  For more info, email me at aabpmatt@gmail.com, follow me on twitter @bostonbeerpong, or check out (and Like) the AABP: Boston Facebook page here -http://tinyurl.com/4awvt2c

Free? No. Can't be. No way. OMG.

See you fools tomorrow night.

It’s a Glandular Problem

No, I’m not about to divulge some inappropriate medical anomaly.

“Stop, It’s a Glandular Problem” would be the name of last night’s champions for Week 1 of All American Beer Pong’s six-week nationwide beer pong tournament.

Nearly 40 people flooded the upstairs bar at Hennessey’s to get in on the action, and in all 15 teams competed.  But only one would reign supreme.

Sausage-Fest upstairs at Hennesseys

Each team played four games, with six teams making it to the single-elimination playoffs based on win-loss record, as well as cup differential.  Mario Sousa and Chewie Rich (who donned a Clippers jersey for some reason) of “Glandular Problem” were slight underdogs heading into the playoffs with a 3-1 mark.

“Teabag my Drumset” and World Series of Beer Pong superstars “Dirty Water” each breezed through the competition with 4-0 marks.

The No. 1 losers, "Dirty Water"

“Glandular Problem” would meet “Dirty Water” in a best-of-three finals, taking down the heavyweights in dramatic style for the victory, and a check for $25 in bar tabs.

Publishers Clearing House pose, please.

There is no No. 21 on the Clippers. I checked.

Winners: Hilarious team names.  “Glandular” earned a few chuckles, and “Teabag my Drumset” is a hilarious Step Brothers reference.  But I don’t think I’m alone in saying “The Kobe Roethlisbergers” takes the cake.  Rarely (if ever) are you able to combine two alleged rapists into such sweet, comedic harmony as these guys did.  Bravo.

Losers: Me.  My teammate (Janine Mitchell from www.sumoskinny.com) and I finished dead last at 1-3, with a piss poor cup differential of -11.  Despite turbo drinking $2 Bud Lights for most of the night, I unfortunately did not improve as I became more inebriated like conventional wisdom suggests.  Has it really been three years since college?

Honorable Mention: The short-haired, blonde bartender who, despite seeming disinterested and slightly pissed off, spent three solid hours of her night pouring $2 BL’s from the tap and feeding them to increasingly drunk and obnoxious beer pong players.  For that, we salute you.

Same deal next week boys and girls.  Tuesday, Feb. 15, 9pm,  Hennessey’s upstairs bar.  As expected, the P to V ratio was more than disappointing for opening night, so ladies play for free next week.  Fuck boys!  I just want to dance and play beer pong all night!

Final standings below.

"Kobe Roethlisbergers" didn't take no for an answer.